Clapham Grand

Saw the Fall there last Friday and was impressed how the staff take your money - short change you and then put up a united front to make you seem the idiot well done - Bad joint please do not play there again MES or any other half decent bands Bill

My ode to The Grand. I rate Clapham Grand 6/10 in my survey of 80s/90s venues in Battersea and Clapham. My likes are the excellent 80s DJing on Sats (Fris is club classics and can be a bit empty too ....), cheapish entry costs (especially if coming early but why pay at all when good 2am 80s venues like Lost Society and Peacock down the road are free !) superb sound system and large club space. PLUS lots of rather friendly Antipodean girls who are more than willing to spend some time away from boorish Antiodean males"!. My dislikes are the terrible queuing on Sats (some times upto an hour just because they want to have a queue outside) and completly useless guest list sytem (basically it is pot luck). If it is just you and a few mates going to the Clapham Grand fine but it it is something important like a 30th birthday and you need efficient bookings avoid Clapham Grand at all costs and go for Peacock, Lost Society or even Revolution (Clapham High Street) where you can get a guaranteed reserved area and they email you confirmation too. Clapham Grand wrecked my girlfriend's 30th birthday becasue of their incompetence over bookings somnething which I can never forgive them for or thank Peacock enough for saving the day with a 2nd sitting reserved area at 11.30pm.

Basically solid mid market 80s venue on Sats with a strong Antipodean twist. However it is challenged at one end by the free 2am bar clubs like Lost Society (not really 80s though more eclectic whatever that means and seems to shut early a lot too these days), Revolution (gets a bit housey though and Clapham High Street branch much better than Clapahm Junction which is a bit too chavalicious for my tastes), Peacock (80 & 90s girls hand bags flying around type music interspersed with rock anthems for the boys - spot on in my book) et al all do it better. And at the other end by the more expensive but better Chelsea type clubs notably Bungs Bunga

The Battersea Club Lizard

Terrible club. Got there, name wasn't on the guest-list even though we'd applied online. Queued up in the standard queue for 25 minutes, only to be told to walk up and down the road to prove we weren't drunk, which we weren't and then for 4 of us to be denied entry by the bouncers because we we're a group of 4 guys. 10 of us planned on going there that night and we're going to spend upwards of £100 each, they need to do the math. Concl: The bouncers are too full of themselves, and management needs to get it's act together.

I love this place! Good music, not too expensive drinks and great crowd! What's not to love!

Went to see Larry Graham last night, the place was disgusting, filthy toilets, although we were up stairs in the seated area we had people standing up in front of us. This is the most disappointing concert we have ever been to.

Vile vile vile place, if you could find a tramp with some cans of beer and a stereo in a car park...you'd have more fun than this dive. 100% the worst group of bouncers and managers in London. The wholly unqualified 'bouncers' find it acceptable to physically abuse guests as and when they please- Think Putin as a 'door man' and you're half way there. NEVER NEVER NEVER go here- lawsuit waiting to happen

I think most people who write these reviews just like to have a good moan. This is the first review that I've ever bothered to write about a club. I'm doing so as I feel so strongly about letting people know not to go to the Clapham grand.

If you have any class or self respect do not pay £10 to go here. That is all.

Disgraceful club, disgraceful manager and bouncers.

We still really like this venue - okay it is seriously cheesy and uncool and can be a bit leery but still one of the best places in Clapham for a bop in Clapham plus has a 3am licence.

I live really close to the Clapham Grand and normally end up there on a random whim. It has never been the classiest of venues but always guaranteed cheesy music and good fun. I went on Saturday night, after not having been for around a year. Myself and my friends could not get over how much it had changed. The normally Clapham-ites were nowhere to be seen and instead had been replaced with the drunkest most awful clientele we could ever imagine. The music was no longer cheesy and fun, but was more RnB and Hip Hop. We had been in there less than half an hour when a man tried to start a fight with us (3 girls!), the bouncer managed to pull him off but by that point we'd had enough. It's a shame as it was never a favourite venue of mine but normally guaranteed a fun night out.

I completely disagree with the recent reviews – I go to The Grand regularly and have always had a fantastic time! I have always found the staff and bouncers to be helpful and pleasant and not at all like how they have been described on here. I am genuinely surprised that anybody can have a bad night out here – I am a firm Clapham grand fan – and proud of it!

Went to this club for my friends hen night, after the club we had organised to go to turned out to be a dive(peacock bar - do not recommend!). Was absolutely brilliant, great music, drinks - great prices - bottle of bubbly for 18 pounds! Dancefloor is really fun, the whole venue looks awesome and has a great atmosphere. Staff pleasant and efficient. Can't recommend it enough.

Would disagree with "Experienced" (reviewer below) - I went there with a few mates for the 1st England game and had a great time. The place was packed and the atmosphere was huge. Agreed £4 is over the odds for a pint - but getting to watch the game on a screen the size of a bus makes up for it!

We went to go watch the opening match of the world cup football there last week and what a horrible experience. The cheapest beer in a bottle was £4 to start of with and after we rented a "VIP" area for £50 we realized that they cramped us into one side of the bar and put a rope up on the side. The security staff was rude and extremely disrespectful and the bathrooms was such a disgrace that the girls went to the pub next door to use the loo. Never again!

I recently moved to south London, and went to the Clapham grand last night with some friends on a whim.

Queue wasn't bad, bouncers ok, £10 to get in - all the usual stuff. Nice atmosphere though, even in the queue.

Lots of little bars dotted around the club, though you still have to wait ages to be served, and, yes there is crap and bottles all over the incredibly cramped dancefloor (with v little air con :-( - but what do you expect?

The music is great - classics, and lots of cheese, and the crowd were great - not pretentious at all, just a really good laugh.

It was a good night - and we got our coats quickly and a taxi at the end of the night really easily. All in all, a grand night!

Amazing night - great club. They always get it right.

Electric atmosphere. Happy Birthday!

Went to the Grands 10th birthday after not being there for over a year, what a nice surprise!

Its been completely done up and looks amazing - much better! After reading some recent reviews didn't know what to expect but the place was really rocking and full of cool people.

Will definitely be back. Happy Birthday Clapham Grand here's to another 10 years.

What an awful place!

While drinks prices were reasonable, and music just what you would expect, the staff were rude, unhelpful and downright nasty!

We were there early, and right from the word go you are made to feel like the staff are doing you a favour.

The doorman makes it look like it’s an effort even to grill you on the dress code, the bar staff are obnoxious grunting at you every time they need to waste their time getting you a drink!

If the management was even remotely worried about all the poor comments they would have done something about it a long time ago, but obviously getting the drunks when the pubs kick out must be enough. Avoid at all cost!

Disgustingly overpriced drinks (and I have never ever seen a cocktail being mixed there or even being poured so if you want a cocktail, go to B@1 around the corner), rude bar staff and the female toilets have to be seen to be believed - ladies, perfect "the hover" now before you go.

The toilet floors are always swimming with water, doors hanging on one hinge and a toilet attendant who tries to be nice (god love her) but where has your life gone wrong if you're a toilet attendant in quite possibly the grottiest club in the UK (and I've been to Merthyr Tydfil).

The music is very cheesy (which is a plus for me) and is good for leaping around excitedly with your friends whilst watching your male friends avoid the lecherous advances of larger women in their 50's who don't seem to understand "I'm sorry, I'm not interested, please remove your very large mammary gland from my face".

All in all, The Grand would be a fantastic club in downtown Mogadishu, but in reality, it's a terrible cheesy hole that is only generally frequented by the very drunk and the very desperate.

Very disappointed for what was a long awaited hen party with friends from school and uni who I had not seen for ages

We had been to the Peacock Bar before for their burlesque night earlier which was absolutely fabulous and I had wanted to stay on as their DJ was so good tooHowever having spent £10 each on advance tickets for the Clapham Grand we thought we should at least give it a whirl. It was very poor indeed.

Djs, bar staff, drinks, atmosphere - the whole lot. Fortunately we were able to nip back to the Peacock and had a great time till homekins back to my beloved

Shame on you Clapham Grand for being such poor value and thank you Peacock

grand was the worst night ever. Music was cheesy which was great but the bar staff were unreasonably rude.

One gave one my mates the wrong drink and refused to change it. After complaining she told us to talk to the manager, but wouldnt tell us who the manager was.

Eventually one of the other bar staff noticed how unreasonable she was being and convinced her to let us have the right drink.

She slammed this down saying 'hope you're happy now, that'll come out of my wages!' needless to say, wont be going there again!

Much prefer Infernos....

nice club but please can someone shoots the dj.....dj is terrible

The service in The Grand is Awful. Some nights ago I was having a drink with my friends during the happy hour.

The happy hour was ending at 11pm so I got to the bar around 10.45. After waiting (mins) The bartender instead of serving me served someone else who just got in the bar.

I said it was my turn but I was ignored. Then when I was asked for drinks I was told I had to pay normal prices as the happy hour just finished.

After spending 15 mins in the bar I spoke to the bar manager then the general manager who both ignored what happened and didn't care to appreciate the facts. Very Poor customer service.

we went with great expectations but were bitterly disappointed - this place is horrific.

it was the worst night out i have had in London. the aggressive and overbearing bouncers were a sign of things to come.

I can accept that people come to the grand for the music but it really is terrible with a 'DJ' who for some reason is wearing headphones as if is is mixing something....putting a CD in the player does not require a set of headphones - as if he doesn't know what 'sweet home Alabama' sounds like!

people will obviously draw comparisons with Infernos down the road but this place is so much worst for its stale, predictable, '90's party CD' soundtrack that someone has put about 2minutes worth of thought into.

The place is packed to the rafters with up themselves-wanna-be women, and fat, alpha-male singlet wearing men.

we lined up for 15 minutes for a drink, watched the men smear fluro face paint all over each other and throw their hands in the air for House of Pain as if they hadn't ever heard it before,

watched the tough-guy overweight chap suck a shot through a straw, pash some poor victim, beat his chest and hit the d-floor as we grabbed our coats, asked for a refund at the door and left the grand forever.

AVOID THIS PLACE IF YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF DIGNITY!!

Great night out if you love cheesy music and a laid-back time with your friends. Lots of people up for a good time and not as horrifically overcrowded as Infernos. Only initially set-back by the rude doorman convinced I was underage and seemed quite disappointed and frustrated when I proved him wrong.

The Clapham Grand is a brilliant night out. I have had so many fun nights there including NYE- twice! They got Norman Jay for 2006- it was AMAZING!
Beats that shoebox Infernos hands down!

I LOVE The Clapham Grand- 'nuff said!

I LOVE The Clapham Grand- 'nuff said!

The Grand holds in my memory one of the best nights out i have had in England. The music is delightfully cheesy and the dance floor tops it all off. The sound system is easily the best one in London, any band that has played here will no doubt agree with me on that. The lay-out is unique and creates an amazing atmosphere which will ensure a great night.

Love this place, never had a bad night and I've been there a good few times! Loads of fun!

Awesome. Really great night out. Great music, fun crowd. Definitely will be going back to Clapham Grand!

I also disagree with some of the comments on here. Where else can you go for a completely different night every day of the week! The dance floor and cheesy tunes may not be for everyone especially you boys, but try going on a weekday mon-weds when they have the Caburlesque shows! I went back in November and it was a wicked night! A full burlesque show and your drinks are brought to you! The shows are amazing and lots of sexy girls for you boys! I think they have another one on June 18th so instead of whinging about what you think you know about The Clapham Grand, go and see the show and you'll definitely come out of their a Grand fan!

This is not so much a review but I just wanted to ask why the Clapham Grand tries so hard to be Infernos. Same crappy music policy and now there's the attrocious beach party concept.

I find it hard to listen to the innane comments about Clapham Grand. The Clapham Grand is the place to be guys, we go there all the time.



Other reviewers have criticised the cheesy music - that's what the Grand is about though - live it up like you're someone from Saturday Night Fever! They have a great atmosphere too with all the people and decent drink prices! Just go to Clapham Grand!

Clapham Grand is a great night out with a nice mix of people, not too young. Drinks are resonable for a club.

Clapham Grand is the perfect place for a group of girlies to go out and cheese it up! Get on guest list and hire a balconey seat, then you can have a boogie in your own space and there is a waitress to fight the crowd at the bar for you!

Clapham Grand is not very good at all. The bar girls are quite sexy but unfortunately that wasn't enough. The dance floor at Clapham Grand gave me a headache. It is such an annoying piece of cack, I hope no-one got epilepsy.

Clapham Grand is the only club in the world where it is actually a physically dangerous to get drunk. Ridiculous. Only go here if you're not epileptic can see perfectly in the dark when drunk, and if you like clubbing next to kids who can't take their beer.

I have to disagree with most of the reviews on here - Clapham Grand is fantastic! It's one of the only clubs in London where you feel completely comfortable going crazy to cheesy music on a flashing dancefloor.

See Clapham Grand for what it is people - a great cheesy establishment. Not for posers!

Clapham Grand is by far the worst club I have ever been to. Avoid Clapham Grand.

Avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid.

The Clapham Grand is consistently by far my favourite club in London. Friendly, stylish, with a dazzling dancefloor, cosy private booths upstairs, and comfortable seating on the upper tiers for when your dancing feet can dance no more. Oh go on then - one more dance! 80s pop on a Thursday plays all the dancey classics of that retro era and Friday is Housey Dance night - cool, classy, sexy. Saturday used to be pure 70's disco, although they seem to be experimenting with a few different themes at the moment. It's all good but bring back the disco! No bad attitudes, everyone is there to dance and have a good time. Long may The Clapham Grand rock! P.S. I don't work there - I just go there a lot! Oh, and they have a big screen (the biggest in town, I believe) for showing sport if you like that kind of thing.

I went to the Clapham Grand on Saturday night with a group of friends and we hired a private box. We had a fantastic night with our own waitress giving us the full VIP service. Music was a great mix of funky disco and retro party tunes, the venue was packed so the atmosphere was amazing.

The Clapham Grand is fantastic! I came here for a mate's birthday, we were fully expecting the cheesiest pop ever and we were not disappointed!

Wicked dancefloor, great music (if that's what you like) and the lads loved the entertainment - i.e. dancers in hotpants.

Wouldn't come here as a regular thing but if cheese is your bag then do it! Go there!