Another conventionally terrible Essex club.

I've been forced to go to this ridiculous club lots of times when I was in sixth form as its a kind of 'right of passage' to go there when you turn 18 (god knows why), but now I just point blank refuse to go when asked.

Typically you'll find orange fake tan girls with embarrassingly tiny dresses and high heels, complete with fake eyelashes and curled hair, who will look every other girl up and down.

The music is terrible...really chavvy old house music mostly, unless you go in the tiny R&B room. Sometimes if your lucky they'll have hired a couple of hideous looking girls to pole dance on the poles by the dancefloor. If you're even luckier, a aspiring-stripper/club-goer will excitedly jump up to take her moment and show her 'vajazzle' to the entire room, clearly thinking shes being sexy or something.

The "celebrities" they get there are laughable. Ex-Big Brother contestants are not celebrities. And yet somehow everyone in the club is pathetic enough to surround them and take pictures even if they don't know who it is.

Ques outside are very long...and the bouncers are weirdos. Very manly looking women dressed in suits who scrutinise your id for about twenty minutes before they let you in, and check your bag for weapons (which, in a place like Gants Hill, isn't really suprising). Speaking of which, Faces is in the middle of nowhere and you either have to drive or get a cab (or risk walking the long way from the tube).

If you are part of the small minority who aren't embarrassed to be called an Essex girl/boy and who like The Only Way is Essex, clearly this is your ideal place. Otherwise, go somewhere else, please.

The inside of this place isn't too bad, good music, good bar, but some arrogant Middle-Class/Rich Essex combover orange lads/lasses. Bouncers are racist as well. Thursday nights, you will see many coloured people being turned away even those with memberships, but every white boy gets in.

Good Points:
The music is always good. The djs know just how to get everyone dancing and the MC in the R'n'B room works the crowd down to a T.

Its clean. I know it's not one of the main things you look for in a club but nothing puts me off more than walking into a club and it stinks or you stick to the floor and bar.

They put on a themed night nearly every Thursday or Sunday and drinks have never been more than £2.50 on a Thursday and have even gone as low as £1 a drink!

There's a seating area for people who dont have a table which is always good for resting your feet if you love to wear killer heels like me!

If they say a 'celebrity' or music artist is going to be there....99% of the time theyre there.

All in all the atmosphere is always a good one and I've never had a bad experience in there that's made me not want to go back.

Bad Points:
The staff have some of the worst attitude I have ever seen. Dont get me wrong there are a few who are lovely but the majority are just rude. The bouncers act like they'd do anything to keep you out of the club scrutinising every part of your ID deciding whether or not it looks enough like you and then whether or not to let you in which makes the line HUGE. I understand in a way because there are a lot of young girls that try to get in and 9x out of ten they spot them but for us who are actually old enough it gets annoying.

If you prefer mainly funky house and R'n'B i would suggest bringing your own fan into the tiny room that plays that music as come 11 it's basically a mini swetbox.

If you smoke you have to wait until half 11 to go out and smoke which is most annoying if you get there at half 9 to avoid the que!

They try to ram as many people in as possible which literally makes it impossible to move.

I cant comment on Fridays and Saturdays because Ive never been on these nights but for Thursdays and Sundays that's all I can think of.

Ohh i love it in Faces......the atmosphere, prices, venue, music......faces is my spot at the moment! The only problem is....you do have to wait a while in the line. Might have to get a Gold card! Lol

well if you do ever escape from the guadianship of your carer i would suggest taking off your grandad slippers putting on your glad rags and getting down FAECES. lol. Its crass, its load and proud and i sound like a promoter but it really is a good night out. someone should start paying me for these posts!

FACES is always good for a laugh. I recently started going again and i would recommend saturday night over sunday. Saturday is more of a party vibe. Whereas on sunday everyone thinks they are too cool for school. So the guys just stand around the dance floor posing rather than dancing and there are millions of girls who look a bit tacky. Saying that i guess sunday is a good night for guys if you wanna pull.lol. BUt for a mad girly night out stick to saturday night for a giggle.

Never a more appropriate name has been given to a club. Faces is pack with people who ALL look like they visited the same hairdresser and wardrobe consultant on Discount Day! expect to see lots of people dressed in Gucci, Prada LV etc (both fake and real).
That said- no one can really accuse the clientelle of being stuck up and as previous reviewers have pointed out- this IS a B to Z- celebrity hang out (Jade Goody is a regular there- say no more!!). Anyone playing the "don't you know who I am?" card can expect to be laughed out of the club!

Faces is a definite MUST for the serious clubber who wants to have a fun night out without the hassle of travelling into the heart of London.

Not the classiest establishment but if you go along with a sense of irony, it's certainly a cheap and enjoyable night out. Plus, I bumped into one or two top level footballers during the evening too. I asked one, 'What are you doing here?' and ended up having a rambly conversation with him for about half an hour. Great fun.