A pun-filled pizza takeaway and restaurant with fabulous pizza and great prices. Heaven.

The Venue
New Zealanders in London undoubtedly have already been to Hell Pizza. A famous pizza chain in their native land, Hell’s proprietors have recently taken up residence in Fulham and are intent on converting all of London to their pizza-loving ways.

With a name like Hell Pizza, you won’t be surprised to see that this isn’t your typical pizza joint. The decor, for one, is straight out of a Goth teenager’s bedroom – black wallpaper with skulls, black leather booths stitched with flames, moody red lamps hanging from the ceiling. But, as you can probably tell, this place has a sense of humour as well. Prints of paintings by Boticelli, da Vinci, Michelangelo and Caravaggio in ornate gold frames (complete with museum-style lighting) decorate the walls and staff wear shirts adorned with slogans like ‘I’m in Hell.’ An old school Addams Family pinball machine waits hopefully in the corner whilst Thing rests on a stack of pizza boxes on the other side of the room. The more you look, the more quirky touches you find. It’s all a bit cheesy, yes – pardon the pun – but it definitely beats the decor at other pizza chains.

The Atmosphere
Although most of their business is takeaway, there are plenty of seats available as well. Hell is incredibly popular with New Zealanders and local Fulhamites, who come in by the dozen on Tuesdays for the restaurant’s all you can eat for £5 deal. Tuesday nights are so crowded that it’s standing room only, with a queue down the block. The staff – despite what the shirts say – are friendly and helpful, with recommendations that are spot on.

The Food
As you can probably tell by now, there aren’t many things that Hell takes seriously. Pizza, however, is one of them. Available in two sizes, a small, snack-sized pizza and a large 12.5 inch, the pizzas cost about £5 and £10 respectively. There are a few choices with standard toppings as well as those with more creative options, and if there’s nothing you see that catches your eye you can create your own. All the pizzas are evilly named, including a set based around the seven deadly sins. Sloth, topped with tuna, onions, tomatoes, garlic mayo, lemon pepper and mushrooms is a smoky combination that’s lightened by the lemony flavour that goes well with the tuna but doesn’t overpower it. From the gourmet list, the Cursed comes with pieces of soft chicken, juicy ham, and salty, meaty bacon alongside sliced gherkins, smoked cheddar, onions, smoked cheddar and honey mustard sauce. A good balance of savoury and sweet, the tart gherkins and honey mustard are the perfect pairings for the meat – it’s almost like a gooey, delicious club sandwich on a pizza base.

Although the small size looks easily conquerable when the pizzas are first set in front of you, the deep, thick crust and generous helping of cheese and toppings mean that your eyes will no doubt be much larger than your stomach. Side orders are large, too, served in deep white bowls. The lemon pepper wedges are thickly cut chips with a hint of spicy lemon. Crisp on the outside and fluffy on the inside, these go well with the creamy garlic dipping sauce. The kumara chips are another recommended side. A New Zealand vegetable that’s like a cross between a potato and a sweet potato, it’s sliced into thick wedges and works well with the sweet chilli sauce. It almost tastes like a parsnip – a bit milder than a sweet potato but with a hint of sugariness and with a starchy texture. For the blasphemous few who don’t like pizza, there are pasta and salad options as well, and for those with a gluten intolerance the restaurant has gluten-free pizza bases available.

Desserts are as sinful as you’d expect. Titled Ambrosia on the menu, there are a few gelato and sorbet options and a gluten-free almond and caramel tart, but the dessert pizzas are the real standouts. With four options to choose from, the bases are topped with sweet options and then baked in the oven – sounds odd, tastes fantastic. The Unearthly pizza comes with juicy, plump strawberries and sugary sweet slices of bananas and is topped with hot chocolate sauce and vanilla custard, whilst the Temptation pizza is a cinnamon-y fruit crumble, pizza style. Slices of warm baked apple and apricots and strawberries are buried under a crisp crumble topping and vanilla custard. The result is a delicious, gooey pudding that you can eat with your hands.

The Drink
Loyal to its homeland, the wine list has four New Zealand wines, whilst France, Chile and Argentina only get one bottle each. At £12, the smooth and refreshing St Clair Sauvignon Blanc 2006 from Marlborough, New Zealand is their most popular white. Beers are available as well for just £2, and, like the wine list, New Zealand names Steinlager, Speight and Mac’s Gold outnumber the Australian Tooheys and the Italian Peroni.

The Last Word
There’s only one thing left to say, really. Go to Hell – you won’t regret it.

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