Wandsworth finally gets a venue to be proud of but can it emulate other cavernous dancehalls like the Brixton Academy or Shepherds Bush Empire or will it just become another drop in the ocean?

The Venue
The Wandsworth Palais is handily located a WKD’s throw from Wandsworth Town station, which has easy access to Waterloo for late night tube goers. It’s hard to miss – enormous might be a strong word when you’ve got the likes of Fabric and Oceana in town, but it ain’t small. Two big floors beckon with a huge dance floor and plenty of VIP space for those just a little bit better than everyone else. In fact, it’s not even good enough if you’re a VIP in the Palais, because there’s a VVIP (how far do you allow these shenanigans to continue: very, very, very, very, very important people? Mega super-duper expialidociously important people?) section called The Gods. To be fair, this nomenclatural masterclass in arrogance does seem to be backed up by some pretty plush arrangements - a night with Jermaine Defoe then, ladies?

Everything is darkened, as you’d expect from a club of this size. However, it isn’t the concealed pretension of Fabric or 333, rather a dimmed place in which to find an equally embarrassing dance partner. For when the stilton starts pumping from all four corners of the room, there ain’t no-one going to be looking cool. The bars are spacious if crowded – so get a couple of drinks, obviously. Overall, the Wandsworth Palais is neatly and simply laid out, making for a night sans hassle - a precious thing in the south.

The Atmosphere
Initially, the big club vibe and the raucous dance floor feel like a million TomToms got accidentally diverted from a Millwall match. The Wandsworth Palais is an exuberant place with no violence or conflict. The door staff may be burly and just a touch the wrong side of assertive but that’s pretty much par for the course.

The Music
With acts like smoother-than-a-Toblerone-that’s-been-in-your-back-pocket-for-a-month soulster Lemar on the billing, you can expect the dance floor around the stage to be sent into raptures. At this point it’s worth mentioning that the Wandsworth Palais is a venue destined for big live acts. It has an excellent stage and plenty of vantage points from most angles. This is where the owners should be heading if they want to rival the Academy et al. Yet cheese sells, and after a good Lemarring the beered-up crowd is more than up for a few old dance choons. It might not be to everyone’s taste but then it’s unlikely that you’ll venture here if it isn’t.

The Drink
Not much to say here, there’s your average club fare. Bottled beers for £3.50 include Becks and Stella, although Corona is £4 (why this most simplistic and sold-by-the-barrel of Mexican tipples is the most expensive in every bar this side of Sodom is one of the great unsolved mysteries of the universe). A perfectly agreeable house red or white is £16 – just enough to make you think for a second, then buy it. Alcopops including WKD, Bacardi Breezer and Smirnoff Ice are all £3.50 and are literally everywhere. A single shot with a mixer will set you back a fiver, a bit steep for a place like the Wandsworth Palais.

If you’re feeling like a VVVVIP you could plump for a bottle of Moet for a cool £60 - nothing when you’re earning £5,000 per month at Crystal Palace.

The Last Word
It may not yet be the focal point for a whole area, as is Brixton’s hallowed Academy, yet with a bit of a push in the right direction and a few better acts, Wandsworth could soon have a premier venue to be proud of. It certainly has all the right ingredients: a great dance floor, generous stage, effective sound and lighting. It just needs some better ‘stars’ than Jeff Brazier and Joe Swash (yes, really) gracing its events. One for the future.

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